Well jump right in

Thats what Im going to do, jump right in and talk about the big D....no, not divorce though sometimes I have had those thoughts...Im goin to talk about DEATH. In this last year I have experienced death and tragedies more than any other time I can ever remember. Death was apparent to me long before it is to most people much less a child. The first memory I have of losing a person close was the death of my own father at 9 years old, and I have lost lots of loved ones over the last 20 years. This year, I have been to more funerals than ever, and lost several close loved ones. Several that were very young and seemingly healthy, and I find myself consumed with my life and living each moment to the fullest. I have been to 5 funerals since August 10, 2009 when a very close lifetime friend, Ktbug's grandma died after a simple hernia operation. September 29, 2009 our very best friend Taco past away at 38 from a heart attack, another very close friend Ron passed away January 14, 2010 at 59 from bone cancer in his jawbone that was just discovered less than 1 year before his death. On March 2, 2010 my same friend Ktbug lost her granddaddy after a fight with colon cancer, then on March 4, 2010 a woman I didnt know personally, but was well known in the community named Trenda passed away suddenly at age 37, after being diagnosed with lung cancer about a month ago. She also lost her own father a local businessman in August 2009 of a heart attack while driving him to a doctors appointment. Whew! Does that seem like alot? Wait I'm not done....one week ago yet another friend of my hubbys and also my BIL got into a car accident and has been in a coma & on a ventillator since then with severe brain trauma and swelling. He is not expected to make it, and IF he does will "more than likely" never be the same person again. He is only 28 years old. And today, even though its corny, hearing my teenage love Corey Haim died at 38 is another part of my life gone.
I feel emotionally drained just reading over all that. I need a martini or something. Thats how I have felt for awhile now. I have tried to push feelings to the side and replace them with other things that are joyful and happy but they keep creeping back in. I think of death and I feel so many things...but the one that is the one that always comes to mind first is SCARED! Not scared of the unkown or what ifs, but scared of leaving my son. Scared of me not being here when he learns to ride his bike, graduate high school, get married, have children, scared of leaving him to have the same thoughts I remember having as a kid. Thats the most terrifying, thinking of him in my shoes at that age or any age. I never thought about dying until KC was born, never. Its never scared me, I have always known that reality of death, but my mind has never gone there until we lost our friend Taco. Since then I often find myself thinking what would happened if I died today. Sometimes the thoughts are random like that scrapbook page wouldnt be finished, the dog wouldnt have her medicine on time, or I wont be able to go to Disney World. Other times the thoughts are more vivid, like picturing my young son at a baseball game, and everyones there but me. I know others have had similar thoughts we are human after all. But its weird, Its really weird the older you get, the more people that arent here with you anymore. Way weird! I know that I am beginning to sound kind of gloomy so yuck!
I like living without thinking these kinds of things but like I said it seems to find its way back and looks you right in the face. I love my life, and everyone (almost) in it. My life will go on as long as it will. I dont know the answer to that question any more than the next person does. Loosing all these good people makes me want to be a better person while Im here. A better everything. A better me.
Life is so simple, yet so complicated.

This is an awesome poem read at both of Ktbug's grandparents funerals. I had never heard it until August, but I like it.

The Dash Poem
by Linda Ellis
I read of a man who stood to speak At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came the date of her birth And spoke the following date with tears
But he said what mattered most of all Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time That she spent alive on earth. And now only those who loved her Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own; The cars, the house, the cash, What matters is how we live and love And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard. Are there things you’d like to change? For you never know how much time is left, That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough To consider what’s true and real And always try to understand The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger, And show appreciation more And love the people in our lives Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect, And more often wear a smile Remembering that this special dash Might only last a little while.
So, when your eulogy is being read With your life’s actions to rehash Would you be proud of the things they say About how you spent your dash?

Heeeeeeeeerrrrrreeeeeeeeee's Johnny

We lost one of our very best friends a few weeks ago, he was in our wedding & in our lives since Hubby and I have been together. "Taco", one of his many nicknames was 38 and he died on his birthday & was from near Pittsburgh, PA. He was drinking with some friends celebrating, & as he was en route to another bar he had a heart attack and died before the ambulance ever made it to the hospital. A heart attack?? 38???? On his BIRTHDAY?? What??? my point exactly! Thats like, unheard of right?? We got the phone call around 4am and you know those are the worst kind of calls to get. Our other very close friend up there "Ebo" called & all I remember is waking up in a daze feeling Hubby grab my arm telling me Taco was gone, Taco was dead. I dont know how some people react to news that a loved one is gone, but for me I start thinking of moments together with that person & relive the memories in my mind. Every thought & moment he was with us was a smile the guy was the king of fun times!

He & Hubby met at work a year or so before we got together and he said they instantly became friends. Taco was one of the funniest, make you smile kinda guys that always had something smart ass to say. He moved down here with a few friends and he lived here until about 4 years ago when his Dad was going through throat cancer. In all those years he lived here he became a part of our family, the guy that was always around. Christmas, birthdays, any day he & Hubby would be side by side. For my birthday one year Hubby bought us tickets for the Family Values Tour & I was happy, then I figured out my birthday included our two tag-alongs Taco & Ebo. We ended up having a blast, and we didnt get kicked out for once. He loved the Steelers, the Pirates, hats, beer, women, Britany Spears, ER, UFC, beer, partying, traveling, having fun, smiling, his family, his friends, money, his dog, beer, women, smelling hair (which my poor best friend found out first hand during our wedding getaway), women, feet, beer, and enjoying his life. He was such an awesome guy, I never once saw him get mad or heard him raise his voice, and his laugh & smile would take over any room. On top of some of the smiles were lots of beer and drinks but whats a bachelor to do? Since he moved back to PA Hubby talked to him almost everyday, & I talked to him on occasions,but the very last time we saw him in person was the day after our wedding when everyone went back home, October 1, 2006. That made this anniversary very difficult for Hubby & I both, and I know its going to be "attached" to the celebration of our lives together from this point forward. There has been alot of tears shed in our house the last few weeks, alot of whys, and what-ifs. He had planned several trips down to meet KC and stay with us, but none of them ever panned out. Tacos funeral was 2 days after he died in Pittsburgh, and Hubby & I and 2 other friends rented a car and drove over 1000 miles & 15 hours one way to get there in time for his funeral and to say goodbye to our best friend. Its weird to even sit here & think hes actually gone, & I will never see him again in this life, he wont ever find "the One", he wont have children, we all wont grow old together & talk about the good 'ole days, and I will never see his beautiful smile again here on earth. In the last 2 years there have been alot of loved ones lost unexpectedly, a very very lot. And the saying the older you get the more people you know that die is becoming a truth, and not just a saying anymore. All this makes me appreciate my life, my health, my hubby, my son, my family, and just my heartbeat so much more. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, so tell the ones that you love, that you DO everyday!

I love you & will miss you everyday Taco, Jklu, Fatboy, Pollock, Big'un....Johnny....


Our friend Johnny
John R. Kuklinski Jr.
9/25/71 - 9/25/09